Sometimes I just want to sit down and just write….no rhyme and definitely no reason. I want to run from my logic brain and into the arms of my inner artist. She waits for me, screams for my attention from the sidelines as I meticulously strategize, pour out, strategize, consume, and pour out some more. She is cheering me on because she is funny like that, but I can see the longing, the urge to yell, “put me in coach! I am ready! You need me out there!”
Yet, my logic brain is sustaining me, building systems, workflows, call to actions, learning, and churning out information. I have found that my logic brain is where safety lives, it’s how I can develop roles, systems, trainings, and safe spaces while surviving harm, society that normalizes excessive stress, the joys and strains of motherhood, growing into more of myself as a wife constantly reintroducing and being introduced to her husband in this new season.
I started my substack thinking, “yep, this will be where I land my creative writing” and before I knew it, it had structure, buttons, links, and CTAs. All of these aren’t bad because I want to create an ecosystem of Brown Heart Wellness, but I must look in the mirror to see when and where I have submerged into safety to assuage the fear of what lies ahead. In this case, the Positioned to Pause retreat, a labor of so much love, a dream honestly, is being built and coming to life right before my eyes. Yet, my inner creative has only been allowed out a few times to dream a little and go back…come out, dream a little, go back. Bravery to me has always meant being creative which means being okay with the outcomes, with the creation, with straying away from the norm, with operating at a higher level than what you have allowed yourself. That is where I am, positioned at the front of the line, operating at a higher level, and only allowing creativity a limited say. Why does it feel like creativity is the part of me that people would want to oppress? Is she too loud, too much, does she think too big, too independent, laugh too loud??? The answer is no…
I need my inner creative bestie off the bench in the game running with the part of me that is capitalisms’ best friend, the very strategic part of me that knows when to build, create, be censored for the comfort of others, build the plane while it’s flying with no instructions and very little chance of my success with no true metrics. Yes, we need to run hand in hand, because the combo is dangerous and will require me to pause and know when to pass the baton back and forth out of logistics and timing rather than fear and skepticism. The time is now…
This felt so good and I could go on and on…but for now, the brave thing is to get it off the google doc and into the substack where creativity gets to exist alongside strategy. Heck, it may even make it to the email list…insert gasp, lol!
No where else to go with this…and also…no real salutations.
If you read it, thank you.
Samantha
